Before I start tonight’s post, I have to give a big shout out to Andy and Tyson. I asked for deer stories and they delivered. Both left me laughing out loud multiple times. Whether it was Andy referencing our grandpa the sex mentor or Tyson’s tarsal staining and rose colored urine, I got exactly what I was looking for: nostalgia and laughter.
Irrelevant side note: Today was my first Apple Watch Walkie Talkie session with Kneecap. Damn it, technology is wonderful. If you think we won’t be taking advantage of that in the woods in November, you’re dead wrong. I can think of few better ways to scare off deer than to talk in to my watch like an orange-clad northwoods George Jetson.
Tonight’s post isn’t about George Jetson or rose colored urine. It’s not about the dope Khruangbin vinyl I’ve got spinning right now or the Wolfberry and Sierra Mist that’s chilling in my Yeti highball tumbler. It’s not even about the life-altering sex mentoring I received from grandpa in a room not 30 feet from where I currently sit. Tonight is (once again) about Kwik Trip.
When I got home from work today I did the same thing I always do: Set my backpack on the table, let Belle outside, and grabbed the mail. I was excited because I got my first Quip replacement toothbrush head in the mail today. Something about having fresh toothbrush heads delivered to my mailbox quarterly satisfies me. Yet again I digress. Among the toothbrush heads, credit card offers, and children’s clothing catalogs was an envelope from Kwik Trip. I have their debit and rewards cards, so mail from KT isn’t unusual. An envelope addressed by hand is.
I tore open the envelope to find a handwritten letter from Steve in Kwik Trip’s PR Department. I read in amazement as he told me he liked my blog (specifically referenced this post) and thanked me for the kind words. The letter was accompanied by coupons for free stuff and a gift card. Someone from Kwik Trip is reading the blog!
Or are they…
You might read my blog and think, “This guy is a brilliant raconteur. His website must bring in a fortune.” Unfortunately, not true. I have yet to find a way to monetize my literary excellence. It may surprise you to find out that IT is actually my trade. An important aspect of my job is sniffing out bullshit. If you have an electronic device someone is always trying to manipulate you to get your private information. I have a keen eye for social engineering. I can spot a phishing e-mail from a mile away. I put the same skills to work on this letter even though it’s not in electronic form. Nearly everything about it leads me to believe it’s real. The letterhead and envelope look official. The letter was sent from LaCrosse. What elaborate prankster would go as far as to make Kwik Trip letterhead and have a letter sent to me from LaCrosse? Not even Jim Halpert would go to such lengths.
The first red flag for me is that his name was Steve. It’s a common name, so what’s the big deal, right? If you know me, you would know that if I give a fake name (other than Mookie Fantana…or Roger Danish…or Carl Lorthner…or Deangelo Vickers) it’s always either Steve, Gary, or Mitch. Steve is my middle name. No idea where Gary and Mitch came from, but I dream to one day own birds of prey bearing those names. The only person who would know that Steve is my go-to fake name is Tyson. Coincidentally, he’s also the only person I know that would be as excited about a letter from Kwik Trip as I was. I called him.
Once his elation wore off, Tyson agreed that the name thing was fishy, but that this has to be real. There’s only one other question I have…or two I guess. How did they get my name, and how did they get my address? I don’t post my full name on this site, do I? I’m too lazy to go back and look. I don’t think I post my full name on this site. For all John and Jane Q. Blogpostreader know my name actually is Mookie Fantana (sadly, it’s not). I also keep my domain registration information for this site private. If you do a whois lookup on this site you’ll find nothing.
How did Steve know my name and address? I have a theory. One of my many loyal readers tipped him off. Who was it? Colin? Steve, if you’re still reading the blog, I’d love some answers.
Regardless, I don’t care. I’m just thrilled that someone from Kwik Trip saw it. Tyson and I have been loyal patrons for years. Game recognize game. I’m honored to have KT reciprocate. I’ll keep writing this blog and shopping at Kwik Trip until I can say that they are the OFFICIAL sponsors of this site. I did get coupons for free stuff and a gift card. That counts, right? Just say the word and I’ll drop some banner ads on the site. The product placement is already happening anyway. I can’t go 1,500 words without mentioning blueberry Dunkers. Let’s make this official!
Well, it’s getting late. The warm glow of the Night Shift display on my Macbook is making my eyelids heavy. The Wolfberry may have contributed as well. Time to turn in. I have to get up early tomorrow to stop at KT to grab some free Glazers for my co-workers in the IT Department. Thanks, Steve!